Rummaging through my room, I just found my 2008 diary. Entries stop abruptly after March, proving the saying 'good girls keep diaries, bad girls just don't have the time'. Ha! I've decided to type up the entires below. One because they are my first few days in HK and very important to me, it was great to rediscover them again. And two, beacuse writing is all about being open; opening up your heart and being brave enough to say what's in there and not hiding and cringing and thinking everyone will hate you if they see the real you.
One more thing. There are rare occasions when I think it might be nice to have a boyfriend. Usually when I'm feeling crap about myself and need someone to tell me I'm not a useless mutant. As a terminal singleton I have a saying for these times; Be your own cheerleader. This is the function the diary has. I write down the good things I have done to remind myself I am capable and OK, so if it sounds a bit like a wanky self-help book that is why!
Thursday March 27th 2008
Dear Diary,
This is such a stupid time to be awake stressing. Still, it's a good time to text home but I feel like if I tell anyone my anxieties then I'm not living up to being 'adventurous' and I'll be letting everyone down by being so crap so early on. I don't feel very fabulous and let's face it, being fabulous is going to be hard to sustain the whole 16 months!
Honestly, I need to calm the fuck down and be more open and accept that it is ok not the be the Queen of Hong Kong- I've only been here 4 days!!! I put too much pressure on myself. Must remember to step back and take a deep breath:
If one person does not like me it doesn't mean I am friendless and unlovable.
If I have a bad day at school it doesn't mean I am a crap teacher, ergo a crap human being.
I am loveable, I am fine just as I am.
Getting upset and missing home doesn't mean I can't cope!
Other people's success at work and socially doesn't make me shit. It's not a competition, stop comparing yourself.
It's early days. Feel crap but do positive things too. e.g. There's another English-speaker coming to the gym induction, befriend them!
Remember, you have stripped on a stage in roomful of people and everyone had a great time, you've completed a really tough TEFL, you've opened your heart to people, loved them and been hurt and still lived, you've left uni with no damn degree AND been accused of stealing on the same day and you've got through it to become valued and trusted, you finally got your damn degree. YOU CAN DO THIS!
Plans: Go to Fringe club.
Go onto internet; look up meditation classes and Time Out HK
It may sound proper naff but... ACCEPT YOURSELF.
Friday 28th March 2008
Dear Diary,
I have had a GREAT day. I didn't get up till late but FORCED myself kicking and screaming out the apartment. I got the 12B to Mong Kok and did my first trip on the MTR- yay! Wandered round central, found the Fringe club,had a cool glass of white wine on the terrace, looking up at all the MASSIVE buildings (they're everywhere?!!!) and called Ad and Bethan for chats. Then I got lost, went on the internet in Pacific Coffee and went back to the Fringe and saw The Pillowman. Awesome and I proper fancied the lead actor in it (Irish!). On the way back I got completly lost between the Fringe and the MTR and ended up looping round and round lots of noisy bars and chaos. A little frustrating, but I managed to get the MTR back to Mong Kok and I got the 12B home- NOT a cab!
Back at the flat, I met Kristine's fella Brett (Brent?) who promised to take ups Irish bar-hopping. Kristine is going to try and get me Sevens tickets (would be SO cool if she could!) Going to see The Vagina Monologues at the Fringe on Sat then out drinking with Bethan and Jess. This is all good and positive!
Things to do tomorrow:
Buy towel, bug spray, purple t-shirt, top up mobile, shave legs
Internet: look up performing arts in HK, look at expat websites, meditation/yoga, British/Irish embassy; social and events stuff to explore?
Look in HK mag for more stuff.
Must go to bed, Kristine's got Brett staying over so maybe I need find my earplugs?! ;o)
Much love, 2008 Mel xxx:o)!
brilliant, i like the bit about the massive buildings, funny how fast you get used to them... we also went to the fringe club within our first week and then pretty much never went ever again
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