*Sigh*
I'm all in a hotch potch so cannot promise any wise, profound insight today. (Because obviously that is what this blog usually offers, as opposed to a vaguely amusing, occasionally unsettling window into my tattered soul). So the reason I am writing is an attempt to entertain or even inform (HA!) but simply because I MUST. I must write, have to have to have to.
This is the conclusion I am reaching the further into my'Psychology and Spirituality' course I am get. The last two lectures were on meditation and my notebook is scribbled with references to WRITING and how WRITING is basically the same thing. Focusing on one thing entirely that calms me? Writing. That brings order and the ability to notice everything in more detail? Writing. That gives my mind space to be creative? Writing writing writing. It's the same for us all; meditation can be anything- art, running, dance... so if it is so positive why does the thought of a 10 hour meditation retreat chill me to the bone? (not that I'm planning on doing one you understand!)Can you imagine it? I think I'd go crazy, wouldn't you?!!!
It's the same with writing. Why, when I attempt to write and 'be a writer' and say 'I write' do I find it SO FRICKING HARD TO WRITE?!!!! It's not the actual experience of writing, this bit is fun and easy. It's the anticipation, thinking 'Oh, I should sit down and write' and then a shot of prickley fear followed by the thought, "Oh, but don't I have some pants that need ironing?". Basically, I'll do anything to get out of it.
But why? I think one thing is that writing needs a certain degree of arrogance. You need to think that you have something worthwhile to say, that people will want to read. Now don't get me wrong, it's obvious to all of us that I'm a fabulous human being with a rack that could kill and an ass that won't quit... but writing...? Sure I can spin something amusing but the eternal dilemma is CAN I WRITE ANYTHING WORTHWHILE?!!
Which brings me to the second point; I can never think of anything I want to write about. That's actually a lie or a trick of the mind. Funnily enough, when I do meditate, then my mind decides it wants to give me ideas. But when I try to clutch at them and follow through the idea wafts away like smoke and I'm left with a disappointing smell that stinks like FAILURE. Whatever, it must have been a crap idea anyway, because what could I possibly have to say? (See point one)
And to write well, about something serious (which I can't do!) is to put a little part of you out there to be surrounded and stabbed by a sneering critics. So it requires bravery and dedication and belief and all that bollocks. And that brings us to the final point. IF I want to write but don't write I still can have the belief that I COULD be a writer. But if I start to write and can't follow through with it and am crap then I'll DEFINATELY never be a writer.
Did that make sense? Told you I was hotch-potchy. So is it better to have the untested belief that I am a writer but never fulfil it? Or to try and FAIL. And I know, I know, from that Disney/Hollywood perspective it's always better to TRY (Image: Brave girl standing on mountain top with arms aloft and wind whipping through her hair). But in the real world? Maybe sometimes it's better to take the safe option...
THING THAT HAS AMUSED ME THIS WEEK: In the lifts at Covent Garden and Russell Square stations there are fire extinguishers labelled "Suitable for wood and paper fires. Not suitable for metal and electic fires"
Erm, are they expecting forest fires in a lift?!! Presumabley, at various points throughout our National parks there are fire extinguishers labelled 'For electrical fires only"???!
MORONS.
