Coming out the closet...

Well howdy doo!

Remember the other day I said I'd come to an important love life decision? Well now I'm having an early night and am not too knackered to go into detail I shall spill. As you may know, over the years I have cultivated a bit of a cheeky image. I won't say all out-slutty. More tart-with-a-heart. Like Kat Slater but without Shane Ritchie (there are some depths to which even I would not sink). It used to be that if there was a hot guy on the periphery I'd be shagging him. Or working out a way to shag him. Or at least luring him into one of my many lairs (also know as the alleyways of Southwark, Bexley and more recently, Wan Chai). Sex has always been an important part of my personality. I favour the kinky. I make the double entendres. I wear the slutty clothing.

But not anymore. My sex life has sort of... tapered off. I get less ball action than an England player. If I keep on at this rate, I'll be able to raise some dollar by selling my virginity on Ebay. However... I can't say this lack of sex has all been down to accident. After all, while I am no Megan Fox (and even Megan Fox isn't Megan Fox without the lighting, airbrushing etc) I'm not total gargoyle. If I was going out looking for it every weekend I'd get a poke once in a while. So tht leads to the explanation and following important announcment. After years of playing the saucy minx I am coming out of the closet to say:

I DON'T CARE ABOUT SEX ANYMORE!!!!!

HA! I've said it. And I'll say more 'THERE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS IN LIFE THAN SEX!!!!'

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So there we go. I have come out the former-minx closet. No really, not bothered. Hot guy? Pah! Keep him, I've got some Indonesia research to do. Colin Farrel covered in hummus? Sorry Colin, you can't tempt me. And this is why;

1) I am really run down and lack energy at the mo and so the va va voom has drooped.
2) The guys here are very much in demand, often by girls who are willing to look constantly beautiful and say and do anything to please them. In that environment, even the nicest guys turn into assholes. Assholes I don not want to have sex with.
3) Plus the assholes are less likely to go for a gal in a plaid shirt, jeans and ballet pumps when they can have a Hong Kong doll. And for me, that just makes it easier to drop out the competition. Hey, I know I'm fabulous and so I compete for no one. Their loss.
4) The older I get, the more confident I am about what I want in bed. And what I want in bed is a little... varied. To put it delicately (and to give but one minor example), there are some areas into which a one night stand does not get access. Only guys who get regular access earn the VIP pass.
5) But on the other hand, I'm not really ready for a relationship either. There's lots of stuff I need to do before I settle on a firm direction for my life and I suppose I can't really expect a guy to trail around forlornly after me while I work out what I'm doing.

For me, it's a shameful thing to admit. Especially nowadays when everyone's bisexual (it would seem you can't even get onto Big Brother now unless they think you're up for some same sex action), trysexual, transexual, pansexual. We're happy to talk about anal, femal ejactularion, dildos and butt plugs. Chirpy light-hearted comedy dramas are made about posh girls becoming prostitutes (much to my horror and disdain). But the last great sexual taboo? Acknowledging that maybe, just maybe, sex isn't that important to you. That yes, it is possible to go without some for bloody ages and look! I'm still the same person. I am as sexy or non-sexy as I was before. I can still string a sentence together. I have not grown a ladybeard. LIFE IS JUST THE SAME!

Actually I take that back: Sex IS important to me. Bloody important. And I am now old enough to say 'Sod it if people think I'm a weirdo for not getting any but I am holding out for QUALITY not quantity!'

I am not going to have sex with anyone UNTIL I find someone I know is a guarenteed good shag. It doesn't have to be love or a relationship. What it has to be is respectful and a guy I can trust so I can get back to doing all those dispicable, disgusting things that make me so happy.

Today I have: Said goodbye to my N1s, K1s and K2s and felt strangely alright about it leading me to believe I have no soul, been pondering what play I will write for a friends theatre company showcase; Do I do the monologue with the 70 year old Southern Belle with a nasty secret, of the story of a man in love with a dolphin. Votes in...