MAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Sigh.

I am SO SHIT at actually getting around to blogging and am really only doing this to get me into the mood for the MAMMOTH amount of writing I should be doing over the next 36 hours. You see, I'm applying for an M.A. in Creative Writing and the first app- the one to Trinity College Dublin, my holy grail of universities- needs to be done by Tuesday. I've nearly finished the application, except for writing my personal statement, doing drafts 3,4,5,6,7 and 800 of the short stories I'm submitting, making sure I've got all the right documents, paying for the application (45 Euro!) and, oh, I'm waiting on some references (should be here tomorrow though- cross fingers, legs and anything else you've got). If only I'd listened to the mantras on preparation when I was a Scout. Sadly, the only thing I learnt there was how to smuggle the boys into our tent.

BUT; the problem with the M.A. is that it's a bit of a moot point (Or 'moo point'as I've taken to calling it- thank you Joey). Even if I got in to Trinity (and with only 16 places available that's not likely), then I'm not sure I could afford it, let alone sort out moving to Dublin and finding a job, a place to live etc. It would be a great experience, but I haven't exactly been thinking about the practicalities.

The same goes for my 2nd option University College Dublin, and the third NUI Galway, so we shall gloss over those and move onto the UK-based options, Goldsmiths, Birkbeck and University of East Anglia. UAE has a fantastic reputation for Creative Writing but they split their MA into either prose, poetry or playwriting; you can't mix it up and I rather want to, commitment-phobe that I am. Plus, I'd have to live in Norwich. NORWICH. Look, I know I'm a bitch, but I just don't believe in any English city except London. I'm sure other places are perfectly fine, lovely even, but we all know that unless it's London there's just NO POINT. (I am aware this is a terrible, snotty failing of mine, but I'm afraid I can't hear your criticism over the beeping and shrieking of my beloved urban squalor)

Birkbeck would be ideal, as it's an 'evening university' so I could work full time and incur minimal debt but, compared to misty, twilight evenings crossing the Ha'penny bridge, it all seems a little... sensible. Goldmsiths could work too, and although I was impressed by their post-grad opening evening, I've had some doubts which have lingered with me and made me question the whole M.A. enterprise...

The main problem, regardless of which uni I'd end up in, is that I don't think I'm ready. I'm not being negative here, just realistic. I think it's entirely possible that I could end up doing an M.A. and being a writer one day. ONE DAY. At the moment, my writing is still clumsy and I get frustrated that sometimes I just can't make it do what I want. I need the writer's equivalent of training wheels, or armbands (or that little sprung thing you put on the top of your chopsticks). I can't keep my balance, or be thrown into the deep end, or write without making a mess. YET.

So I think it's extremely likely I won't get into Trinity and possible that I won't get into anywhere. But I'll still be doing the applications because it can't hurt, and it will be good practise for when I reapply. I can do writing courses and up my game, read much more and improve my style and even if I don't end up in Dublin to study, there's nothing to stop me moving there eventually. The Trinity app is not an all-important, life-defining behemoth to be terrified of, but just one option and that will make it less agonising to do!

And whatever happens, I've had great help from friends this week. Caz has lent me her netbook, so I don't get a permanent right-hand cramp from all the frenzied crossing out that usually accompanies redrafting. And Corrine and Maev- both writers themselves- have reminded me that everyone who writes finds themselves staring at the screen at 3am sobbing and asking why on earth they put themselves through this horrific torture. Why DO we do it, again...?!